Words I'll Never Say Read online

Words I’ll Never Say

  Poems by Lee-Ann Khoh

  License Notes

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  Copyright 2013 Lee-Ann Khoh

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be used or reproduced without written permission from the author.

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  This chapbook is dedicated to the amazing friends who let me scribble away in my notebooks at inappropriate times. You know who you are.

  And to anyone with these poems in front of you now... Thanks for giving me a chance to share a piece of my heart and mind with you.

  Contents

  Fortunes

  Terror

  Perfect World

  Hearts and Hands

  Chasing Summer

  Bereaved

  Walls

  Drug

  The Contract

  Wicked Fairy Princess

  Don’t Ask Me Why I’m Bleeding

  Missing You

  Red Rivers

  Under the Stars

  Love at First Sight

  Fortunes

  watching you

  watching me

  your iceberg eyes

  that never quite see

  but always know

  my destiny

  your foxfire lips

  that seal my fate

  twitch with cunning

  curiosity’s bait

  and I beg you to tell me

  before it’s too late

  but I’m watching you

  you’re watching me

  and you only spill words

  for a fee.

  Terror

  A cold premonition.

  Ice chills my veins

  and condenses on my skin.

  Clouds blacken

  The earth rumbles.

  Together we tumble

  Like lifeless pins at the mercy of a rolling bomb.

  White light

  Burnt eyes

  Distant screams

  Skittled streets

  Scattered pieces of you

  Faces lost forever in the smoke and soil

  Searing heat grips my soul

  A final breath catches in my throat

  Calling a long forgotten faith.

  Cleanse my body

  Free my mind

  Kill my vengeance

  and only then can I rest in peace.

  Perfect World

  In a perfect world

  We’re safe in the palm of your hand

  In a perfect world

  Discontent shall forever be banned

  In a perfect world

  You feed us lines so we don’t have to make a stand

  Here in paradise

  We can all have fortune and fame

  Here in paradise

  Everyone will know your name

  Here in paradise

  We can always find somebody else to blame

  There are reds hiding under your bed tonight

  There is opium in the water supply

  There’s a bomb tucked under her scarf tonight

  On your flight, they’ll blow you out of the sky

  Yesterday melts into tomorrow

  We hold on to pain and ignite hate from sorrow

  So new generations of rich and poor

  Can learn the same poisoned lessons as before

  Hearts and Hands

  Young Hearts with dreams of tomorrow engage

  in shameless nights wrapped in sin.

  Forgetting that they, too, were once young

  or perhaps because they remember only too well,

  Old Hands scramble to crush these youthful fantasies

  and summon the winter months.

  We swore we were invincible.

  We burst through their shackles and ploughed through the snow.

  We were higher, stronger, faster, better

  than those who scaled the forests

  and walked the crumbling paths a generation ago.

  But the gulf between our dreams and the world outside

  left us with a choice: Fight or flee. We surrender

  when we look down at what years of toil have given us

  and find an empty pantry,

  a cold bed,

  Broken Hearts and

  Old Hands.

  Chasing Summer

  (for Captain Kidd and the King of Swing)

  Do you remember Summer? It was like a scene from Grease

  Singing cheesy songs on the boardwalk by the beach

  The days went on forever and we swore they would never end

  But clouds are breaking, the seasons changing

  Reality sets in

  I see you down on the sand

  With a board in your hand

  Chasing Summer

  But I want to be in a rock ‘n’ roll band

  No backup plans

  Just chasing summer

  Days went on forever, we swore they would never end

  I recall that childlike wonder and it drives me round the bend

  Time slips through your fingers as wise men call us home

  Then tides of star-crossed lovers turn to face the world alone

  I saw you down on the sand

  With a board in your hand

  Chasing Summer

  I wanted to be in a rock ‘n’ roll band

  But life had other plans

  When we chased summer

  Bereaved

  I)

  when I came screeching into the world

  blinded by bright lights

  you held my fragile frame until my cries faded

  and promised I would always be safe in the cradle of your arms.

  now I chase the lights

  the lines on your face deepen and contort

  your eyes fade

  your hair grows pale and grey

  while your child finds comfort in anyone but you.

  II)

  I spent the last 10 years running away

  Until I got the call and had nothing to say.

  Duty paved the way back to my hometown

  Where I prayed salt water would come tumbling down.

  I watched your hearse snake through my old street;

  Tried to conjure days of playing at your feet;

  Bowed my head with conviction as familiar faces started to cry

  But when I opened my eyes, I was numb – they were dry.

  III)

  In the beginning we shared a cocoon

  All our lives they saw us as one

  Now through the distance between us I feel your cracks

  and reach towards the sun.

  In my mind I trace the lines on your face

  and take you in my loving embrace

  But I can’t heal you across time and space

  and together we fade away.

  Walls

  The walls between a dozen cliques were broken down today

  The dark date we’ll all remember as the day you went away.

  We united for the first time where these bricks had kept us apart;

  Each of us, though different, found a place for you in our hearts.

  We wonder what

  demons dwelled

  in your sleepless soul.

  We wonder when

  you decided that

  you couldn’t linger anymore.

  We wonder who

  if anyone

  could have broken through.

  We wonder how

  we made you leave

  and why you’ve gone so soon.

  You sat by the window at the back of the class;

  Saved a wink for the teachers when they walked past

  But your smile hid the secret
s you would never show,

  And someone, somewhere, somehow should have known.

  Could we tear down these walls

  and build a bridge;

  a rocky road between us?

  How I wish

  I hadn’t been

  so cold to your cries.

  If only these walls had never existed.

  Now beneath these foundations

  I realise we

  could have fallen

  from a single tree

  And I wish

  I’d been open to

  the possibility

  that you held deeper layers

  Like me.

  Now many months have passed here since that fateful day.

  It burns in our hearts, though we never speak of the day you went away.

  Life goes on without you. And of your legacy we’re bereft;

  The cement of the rebuilt walls between us dried the day after you left.

  Drug

  You’re like a drug that I can’t kick and I don’t want to

  You touch my heart with the warmth of a high I never knew

  You infect my soul so sometimes all I can think and feel is you

  But you’ll never know and they’ll never know

  Sometimes I cry myself to sleep and drown my mind away

  I fill the pages of my life with words I’ll never say

  One taste of you is all I need to get me through the day

  But you’ll never know and they’ll never know

  My heart is screaming in my ears

  I don’t know if I can handle anymore

  These butterflies speak all my fears

  I’ve never felt this way before

  The Contract

  We meet once a week in the cloak of darkness

  and we know each other like our own private garden

  and we’re magicians weaving stolen seconds into hours

  We have to make the night last seven days

  But you’re always the one to call – that’s the agreement we made.

  I thought I was entering a fantasy playground for two

  and that we’d shake hands and walk back to our own lives

  but I never read the fine print and Cupid blinds me

  We signed on the dotted line between this barricade of sheets

  Now you own my heart and only you can break it.

  Wicked Fairy Princess

  she carried Heaven on her shoulders

  with fiery eyes, she sauntered over

  she stood above me, hands on hips

  a sneer escaped her bloodstained lips

  the battle lines were drawn that day

  the air crackles for words we don’t say

  the stars that shine in her eyes

  are windows to her web of lies

  the crocodile tears that she cried

  can’t hide the bitterness inside

  but I’m not the same blind dreamer I used to be

  I’ll make her sorry she cast her spells on me

  two can serve a dish stone cold

  and act like children ’til we grow old

  I’ll play my part with a verse or three

  and dedicate them to her and me

  Don’t Ask Me Why I’m Bleeding

  Don’t ask me why I’m bleeding.

  I bit my tongue for so long

  that my teeth grew into a picket fence

  closing my tastebuds to anything but you.

  I stapled my ears shut

  trying to tune out your serenade to the only person who could throw your bones into a cyclone time and time again

  and still wait for you to crawl back to their feet like a sick puppy.

  I tattooed over every millimetre of flesh you touched

  in the desperate hope that the angry swelling of my sandpaper skin would distract me from my internal bruises

  but every tribal-stamped butterfly smudged into your name.

  I burnt my nose trying to snort up a high

  to blunt the knife you hurled through my heart

  but the snowflakes left me as hollow as the straw they’d been sucked through.

  I pulled my eyeballs from their sockets

  so I could be blind to the truth I’d dared not think

  that for all the lingering kisses and caresses that passed between us

  you were never really mine to love.

  Don’t ask me why I’m bleeding.

  When you swore we were infinite

  you ripped open my chest

  and played the only instrument that ever kept time with you.

  And when you held me

  your nails carved a deep well into my soul

  that no other hands could ever touch.

  But someone else was holding you with talons.

  Missing You

  I’ll never forget

  the way the sun danced in your eyes on the day we met

  or the glow of silver moonlight

  as we kissed goodnight

  But now I see

  There’s no happily ever after for you and me

  and I should just turn away

  but that’s not who I can be today

  I’ll always miss you

  I can’t believe you’d make me leave this place

  I can’t believe you think I can leave your heart without a trace

  What about tomorrow?

  How can I pack up and walk away?

  Forget the words I never got a chance to say?

  How can I survive the fall

  Knowing you’re not missing me at all?

  Red Rivers

  it was a cloudless night when you came to me

  with your sights set on claiming a shiny new trophy

  brandishing your king piece you swooped to create

  a deep red river to seal my fate

  I was locked and strangled my grip on the key

  when you tried to get inside of me

  you wanted the treasure still unmined

  now I’m tripping over ghosts and running blind

  I’m drowning in the deep red river

  of promises I could never deliver

  every night I pray for the dawn

  but if there’s light in this life the curtains are drawn

  Under the Stars

  Once I was lonely

  I was shy once

  But being shy gets you nowhere fast

  So I’m letting go of my distress

  And painting on some happiness

  Can you feel the heat of a summer night?

  The burning beach is in my sights

  Now I have a million friends to choose from

  Use them all

  Then you move on

  Cruise out of control down these streets

  We can tramp it up to the backbeat

  Can you feel the heat of a summer night?

  The froth and sand will make it all right

  We all wear our disguises

  I know somebody will turn me on

  And try to touch me until my inhibitions are gone

  Maybe they’ll love me all night long

  If only for tonight

  We’ll feel the heat of a summer night

  On a burning beach

  The soil grazing my back

  The waves licking my feet

  You’ll take me

  Under the stars

  Love at First Sight

  He was standing at the back of the garden

  smoking his last cigarette

  surrounded by glossy models in stilettos

  that drank his every utterance.

  I was leaning against a tired tree

  watching this spray-tanned parade play out

  when his cool coffee eyes caught mine.

  With a flick of the forefinger

  a click of the boot

  and a gentle smile that summoned the sun;

  He made me believe in that pristine moment

  that I could
be something greater than me.

  And as his arms reached into my darkness

  and pulled me towards his circle of light

  I thought I was home.

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  Connect with Lee-Ann

  Website/Blog:

  leeannkhoh.com

  Twitter:

  @leeannkhoh

  Facebook:

  facebook.com/leeannkhohwriter

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